CREATED QUIRKY

Faith and Hope

2012-01-09T15:04:00.000-08:00

Hebrews 11:1-3 “Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. For by it the men of old gained approval. By faith we understand that the worlds were prepared by the word of God, so that what is seen was not made out of things which are visible.”

I always have the toughest time wrapping my head around the differences between faith and hope. After being a Christian for so many years, I can see how my faith has continued to grow stronger, and my hope is more and more “confirmed.” My “hope” is way more than just wishful thinking, but rather the thing that I move towards because it does give me hope. I see it as more of the “light at the end of the tunnel.” The longer I go through life (the tunnel), the closer I get to the end of it - the bigger the light becomes. See? Not so easy to explain.

While I was on a trip with my husband, I came up with an interesting example to put this into some perspective. After a few sleepless nights, and one long day of traveling, my hope was to have a great night’s sleep in a nice hotel. There were reservations, and we knew the hotel existed, but we still had to get there.

While navigating through unknown territories, we have come to rely on things like GPS systems. And we put a good amount of faith in these things – blindly following their directions. But the more we use them successfully, the more faith we have in them – with the hope of getting us to our destinations. God’s word, as well as His Holy Spirit, is like our spiritual GPS system.

So this hotel – we knew it existed because we had caught “glimpses” of it from their website. But even as we neared it physically, we still could not see it from the road – even as the GPS system said “Your destination is on the right. You have arrived!” Looking to the right, all we could see was a gas station and a restaurant. But obeying the command, we made the right-hand turn, and only THEN could we see that it was indeed there. The driveway’s entrance was tucked in between the two other buildings.

Had we doubted the GPS system and instead trusted in our own wisdom and thinking, we would have driven right past it. Just so, I am continually grateful to God who gives us “hope” - glimpses of “heaven” through creation, His word and evidences of how He faithfully works in our lives. When we sincerely search for truth, we just have to learn to have faith that God’s GPS system will bring us right to it!

Treasures in Heaven - The Teacup Story

2011-12-09T19:00:00.000-08:00

Matthew 6:20 “But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys, and where thieves do not break in or steal...”

“Treasures in Heaven” is the title of this entry, but it should really be “The Teacup Story.” When I was a little girl, I would visit my grandma who did not own a television at the time. Finding things to do there could be a bit of a challenge, but being the creative and resourceful kid that I was, I would use her drapery hooks to create interesting centerpieces, or played dress-up with her outdated hats and dresses... then I’d move on to study and admire her small teacup collection. There was one in particular that captured my attention. It was yellow and white, with fancy gold trim, and had legs which would nestle into its matching saucer. I never considered the actually cost of this teacup, but was enamored with its beauty, as well as the story that went along with it – as it was a very precious heirloom.

Catching my curious gaze, Grandma would point out the beautiful teacup and say, “Do you see that cup over there? That is a very special cup. My great-great Grandma gave this cup to my Grandma when she got married. Then she gave me the cup when I got married. And some day, I will give this cup to you.” As time progressed, I grew up, I got married, we had kids, we moved away – but whenever we came back, we would always make sure we visited Grandma. It was after her second husband had passed away, and we were there for a visit that I remembered she had a lovely teacup collection. I went to point out the unique cup to my daughter, when I noticed that it was missing. “Oh,” Grandma said, “I hope I didn’t do anything wrong.” She bit her lower lip, and looked like her heart sank a bit.

Apparently my step-grandpa’s granddaughter had helped her out with something and in order to thank her, Grandma told her that she could pick anything she wanted from her china cabinet. I reassured Grandma that it was fine, but deep down I was very hurt. This was one of the very few heirlooms in this family, and now it had gone to another. It took a while for me to deal with this oversight, but I had to realize that it was just a teacup. It was hers to give to whomever she wished - and it was just a teacup. What would I do? Set it somewhere behind glass and look at it every so often? I didn’t need that to remember my grandma’s kindness, generosity, joyful spirit and what a faithful prayer-warrior she was. That is the heritage that she passed down to me that I will cherish and remember. This is what is valuable in life. And one day I’ll see her in heaven, with no sorrows – and an existence that will far outweigh any heirloom of any worth.

Believing the Best

2011-11-20T12:07:00.000-08:00

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 “Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails...”

Because we are all quirky in so many different ways, in order to get along, we must learn to look past all of that and choose to love each other ANYWAY. True love is not based on feelings - true love is a choice. It is also not a reaction – it is an action. Wait, am I talking about love again? I think, before we can truly forgive or look past each other’s unique tendencies, we have to truly love...

My husband has been very patient with me when it comes to all of my interesting traits - and I with him. Of course we all do things that are annoying, so I attempt to label this category as “amusing.” This simulates an ongoing “forgiving” attitude where you look past certain things, and not let them get to you.

Another level of forgiveness is “believing the best” of someone, which is more important than you think. Miscommunication is so common. It is so easy to react before getting to the truth of the matter. If someone says to you, “I do this” but “this” is not a good thing. Ask them, “Did you mean to say...?” Chances are they were THINKING “I do NOT do this” but forgot that little word “not.” So easy to do! Or you hear a piece of gossip about how someone spoke out against you. It’s just best to go to that person and ask them directly if they actually really said that. This can avoid so much grief.

We know that none of us are perfect. We know that we all make mistakes. But should we not think that, for the most part, people are sincerely trying to do the right thing. Give them the benefit of the doubt, and an opportunity to explain themselves. And if it was their “error,” give them a chance to apologize for it and/or correct it. Why blow it out of proportion so that reconciliation is made more difficult? Would we not rather have more friends than enemies?

Living in Freedom

2011-09-14T19:20:00.000-07:00

Ephesians 1:7 “In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of His grace.”

1 Corinthians 3:10 “According to the grace of God which was given to me, like a wise master builder I laid a foundation, and another is building on it. But each man must be careful how he builds on it.”

Romans 12:3 “For through the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think more highly of himself than he ought to think; but to think so as to have sound judgment, as God has allotted to each a measure of faith.”

There are so many verses I could use to support the reasons for my gratitude to God regarding my freedom in Christ. Yes, I love that God loves me, no matter how quirky I am! But I am so much in awe just knowing that God has forgiven me: past, present and future. God knows that I’m going to make mistakes; and as a Christian, He has already forgiven me for the mistakes that I will still make in the future. This is a freedom – I do not have to worry... about anything. Although I always want to be STRIVING to be perfect, I do not have to worry about HAVING to be perfect.

With this thought, one take-away is this: I am not here to judge others. To be more Christ-like, I must be exercising grace. I must realize that other people will make mistakes too, and when they hurt me, I need to forgive - just as I would hope they would forgive me when I mess up or hurt them.

Another take-away, especially as a mother whose children have become adults - I need to let go. Of course I don’t want to see them hurting or making crazy decisions, but it is their lives. I have done what I could while they were growing up. And even though I want to protect them, it would be wrong of me to try to control what they do. As God gives me freedom, I need to give that same freedom to others. I can only control my actions – and besides, I have enough difficulty with THAT. So daily, I must lean on God’s grace to build on that – in my own life. Through this, hopefully I can be a living example of what God’s grace can accomplish, and just how liberating that can be.

Feelings of Inadequacy

2011-08-14T19:11:00.000-07:00

2 Samuel 24:10 “Now David’s heart troubled him after he had numbered the people. So David said to the LORD, ‘I have sinned greatly in what I have done. But now, O LORD, please take away the iniquity of Your servant, for I have acted very foolishly.’”

Acts 13:22 “...He raised up David to be their king, concerning whom He also testified and said, ‘I HAVE FOUND DAVID the son of Jesse, A MAN AFTER MY HEART, who will do all My will.’”

There are days when I feel so inadequate and unworthy. I could supply an endless number of stories where I have done the dorkiest things and wonder – how do people put up with me? I can barely stand myself sometimes. I suppose we all have those experiences. And somehow knowing THAT can help me get through the day.

Of course, knowing that God loves me is all I really need, but that human component in me still does that “misery-loves-company” thing. Maybe this is why God included various details found in a lot of the Old Testament stories. Most of these men and women of God did some pretty crazy things, and yet, God still loved them and used them to help build His kingdom. Many of them are in Jesus’ genealogy.

God’s patience is tremendous, when you really thing about how much He has to watch and “put up with.” He is not only doing that with me and you, but EVERYBODY. I always have to shake my head when someone says something like, “Well, your mom is now up in heaven looking down on you.” And I’m thinking, “I hope NOT!” I know she isn’t, and I wouldn’t want her to be. Mind you, hypothetically if she was - I’m sure I’d amuse her at times, and even “do her proud,” but there’d be all those other times I’d be causing her to slap her forehead with disappointment, wondering “What is she thinking???” No, it’s enough that God is watching... He is all-knowing, as well as all-powerful – at least I can depend on God to help me out.

Time Management

2011-07-06T17:03:00.000-07:00

Ecclesiastes 3:1 “There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven.”

Time is such a funny thing. Even with the best intentions, it can get away from us. Or we can choose to abuse, neglect or squander various opportunities as they present themselves. We rarely recognize time as being a precious commodity – a resource that needs to be valued and respected. Like money, we need to budget wisely, because there are only so many hours in a day.

Of course, there is a need for “me-time.” The question is just how much of that should I allow myself? And just how selfish is this “me-time?” Obviously, studying the Bible should be part of that schedule, but is there a point at which it stops being constructive? Now I must be honest, I occasionally struggle with squeezing this activity into my itinerary. But I do remember a time when I was determined to read through the entire Bible as quickly as possible, but I soon realized that it should not be done to the extent of neglecting my responsibilities!

“Everything in moderation,” was one of my mom’s favorite mottos, which is very useful and has stuck with me. I just need to remind myself of this. Prioritizing is also a very helpful tool. But most importantly, I need to continuously ask God to help manage my time effectively; since every second, does in fact, belong to Him.

FORGIVENESS

2010-11-30T12:04:00.000-08:00

Ephesians 4:32 “Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.”

1 Corinthians 13:4-8a “Love is patient, love is kind... bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails...”

The saying “Love is never having to say I’m sorry” is a little amiss... perhaps even a LOT amiss. It seems fairly straightforward to say love is kind. Most people would agree with that definition. So when you do end up hurting someone you love, you should WANT to apologize. If you don’t, the other person will eventual believe that you are taking them for granted, or that you really do mean to hurt them. Matthew 5:23-24 says "if you... remember that your brother has something against you... go... first be reconciled to your brother, and then present your offering.”

But very often we do not even realize we have hurt someone. Very often, it is unintentional, or due to miscommunication. And there’s only so much a person can take. So how much should one person try to take? And are we just supposed to ‘take it quietly.’ I would say ‘no.’ Matthew 18:15 tells us to reprove a brother in private IF they have sinned. In other words – work it out! Why not?

And if that person continues doing the same things, realize that it is there problem. They are obviously dealing or struggling with something. Jesus tells Peter, in Matthew 18, that we should forgive our ‘brothers’ 70x7 times. In other words, you should never stop forgiving. It is really something that helps us – so we don’t end up being bitter – which then causes us to become the things that we hate. And if you struggle to forgive – ask God to forgive them for you. Through experience, I know this to work.

To summarize: the saying “You can dish it out but you can’t take it” should really be “You don’t dish it out - and you can take a lot.” This really embodies love – which only demonstrates an unnatural strength – which can only come from God.

EXCLAMATIONS!

2010-09-14T09:16:00.000-07:00

Ps.19:14 "Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Thy sight.”

Proverbs 17:7 “Excellent speech is not fitting for a fool, much less are lying lips to a prince.”

As a writer, I understand the importance of words and knowing their definitions. If I’m going to use them, I better know what they all mean. A few times I have used a word incorrectly and either embarrassed myself and/or offended someone. And, I wonder, how many times have I offended God?

So as I’ve worked at cleaning up my personal speech, I have realized that merely dropping or changing a few letters doesn’t necessarily make it “better.” Would you be okay if someone you cared about - called you a “frigging b-otch”? Even though they changed or dropped a few letters, you still know what they meant.

Using the same principle, these are found in the dictionary:
GOSH — euphemism for God
GOLLY – euphemism for God
JEEZ/GEEZ – euphemism for Jesus
GEE – euphemism for Jesus
OMG/omg – “oh my God”

Do these fool the world? Does this fool God? Something to consider... "Exodus 20:7 “You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain, for the LORD will not leave him unpunished who takes His name in vain.” Here, the Hebrew word for “vain” is “Shav.” Part of its definition and application is: emptiness, nothingness, vanity – the frivolous use of God’s name. Part of the dictionary’s definition for “in vain” – “in an irreverent or blasphemous manner [you shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain — Deuteronomy 5:11 (RSV)].”

Even Hollywood knows what it means. In “Indian Jones: The Last Crusade” - when Indy exclaims, “Jesus Christ!” - his father whacks him across the head and says, “Don’t take the Lord’s name in vain!” In another movie, as well as in a popular sitcom, the main character reacts to something with a loud, “Oh my God!” Upon receiving some odd looks, the character quickly bows their head and continues with a softer, “we thank You for…” as a quick cover-up.

So when you really think about it, even throwing around words like “Holy” or “Almighty” tends to mock the Lord we pray to. Very often we end our prayers with “in Your Holy and precious name...” If we truly honor God and His name, why would we even want to sound CLOSE to how the world mocks and scorns our Lord and Savior? “When they see among them their children, the work of My hands, they will keep My name holy, they will acknowledge the holiness of the Holy One of Jacob, and will stand in awe of the God of Israel.” Isaiah 29:23

1 John 2:3 “And by this we know that we have come to know Him, if we keep His commandments.” I have been trying to practice – to say what I actually mean, like - “THAT was awesome!” “THAT is tragic, I’ll be in prayer.” “That is so cute, where did you get it?” “That is surprising!” It would also be so refreshing if we were able to step out of the exclamation-rut that we find ourselves in - and be creative and original. Brilliant!

ACCEPTING YOURSELF

2010-08-30T11:35:00.001-07:00

2 Corinthians 10:7 “You are looking at things as they are outwardly. If anyone is confident in himself that he is Christ's, let him consider this again within himself, that just as he is Christ's, so also are we.”

There are definitely some physical traits that I struggled to accept for many, many years. It didn’t help that other people would point these things out to me and joke about them. And my own mother told me once, “We will always see to it that you have what you need, but for things like nose jobs, you have to pay for that, yourself.” I never pursued such things, but I did save up my money for contact lenses. I figured God created me this way; I need to be content with that.

Over the years, I have grown to completely accept these God-given traits and even be confident - in Him. Oh, and ladies, don’t hate your butt. Here’s my theory, I appreciate the form of husband, and he really appreciates the curves of my form. It would most certainly look weird if I had a man’s butt... for what? So I can enjoy looking at myself? Case closed. This almost negates the necessity to ever ask the question, “Does this make my butt look big?”

Why I think about all of this NOW is because we just came home from vacation. During such times, many pictures are taken. And my husband insists that we should have people in the shots so we can prove that we were actually there. I insist, “Why would I want to ruin the shot with me in it?” So while I have the pleasure of editing the photos, I keep coming across ghastly shots of myself. I’m not being vain, here, but I do this weird “eye-thing” which makes me look completely insane. And the more a camera is pointed at me, the more insecure I become, thinking, “Oh no, I’m probably going to do that eye-thing again.” So being self-absorbed in my efforts to look good for the camera - I USUALLY wind up looking worse! Can one even practice humility in front of a camera?

Meanwhile, I was given yet another opportunity to reflect and meditate on what was truly important in life... to get over myself, and focus on what really is important – the inner beauty that God will create as we allow Him to work in us.

PURPOSE AND TALENTS

2010-07-15T08:41:00.000-07:00

Isaiah 10:15 “Is the axe to boast itself over the one who chops with it? Is the saw to exalt itself over the one who wields it? That would be like a club wielding those who lift it, or like a rod lifting him who is not wood.”

1 Corinthians 14:12 “So also you, since you are zealous of spiritual gifts, seek to abound for the edification of the church.”

The first thing we like to figure out for ourselves is, “What is life” and “What are we supposed to be doing with it?” I am comforted by the fact that we are all given purpose in our lives, complete with unique talents. As well, it gives me greater confidence to know that God is the one providing and equipping us, and that it is God who is in control...

The world is so big and confusing. There isn’t a hope for us to figure it all out. Most days, I can’t figure out what I want to wear. But the Creator of the universe loves and cares about us, and designed each one of us as very unique individuals. He also designed us as social creatures... to hopefully all work together to accomplish great things. And as social creatures, God has a vested interest in each one of us as individuals and desires a personal relationship with us. Wow!

Once we understand and accept this, the next question usually is, “So what ARE our individual spiritual gifts (talents)” and “How do we fit into this whole grand scheme?” This is actually pretty simple! What are you good at? I think we tend to look too deeply and miss the obvious. Our spiritual gifts are not going to look “mystical” or “spiritually deep.” God has given us practical talents. When we use these - to God’s glory and in God’s strength – these talents become Spirit-centered... Serving God by serving others with our talents become spiritual gifts.

God, in His infinite wisdom, also blessed us with a variety of gifts that differ from other people, so we’d have to work together as a team. Ever notice while working on a project with other people, you really develop close and meaningful friendships? As well, every single talent is significant. If I wrote a drama, and there wasn’t a director, actors, stagehands, lighting and sound experts... there would be nothing. There would be an untold story. But only because of God, was I able to write anything in the first place.

Our finally question needs to be, “How user-friendly are we?” Do we graciously work together with our brothers and sisters in Christ? And most importantly, do we allow God to use us and work through us? God does a much better job than any of us could ever do. This will determine the “success” of any project or effort.

LOVE'S DEFINITION

2010-06-14T09:58:00.000-07:00

Psalm 36:7 “How priceless is Your unfailing love! Both high and low among men find refuge in the shadow of Your wings.” (NIV)
Colossians 3:14 “Beyond all these things put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity.” (NAS)

Being the artistic-type that I am, I feel things very deeply - sometimes maybe too deeply. This makes for some interesting “discussions”... (Okay, this can also lead to some very heated debates – ARGUMENTS! Yes, it’s true.)

So is real love – that “love at first sight”, tingly all over, passionate, romantic-movie-type feeling??? Even though I had logically thought through who I was dating and why, so I would KNOW I was choosing a really good Christian guy, I still felt some of that. So when we became engaged, I was determined to never lose those feelings.

Well, just as soon as the honeymoon was over, those feelings were gone. Unable to analyze this properly, I put this concern in the back of my mind to assess at a later date. Meanwhile, the feelings had been replaced with a kind of peaceful contentment... like we had already been together forever and this is how it would - should always be.

About a year later, I started singing solos again on Sunday mornings. As I waited to go up, I became very nervous – and then realized that these were the very same tingling feelings that we like to call “chemistry.” Well, in that case, I do not want those feelings in my marriage. Why in the world would I want to be nervous around my spouse? Does my hair look okay? Do my jeans make me look slim? What does he think about me now? Forget that! We have moved on.

Love, especially in marriage, should be a commitment. You cannot fall out of that – you would have to decide that - because real love is a choice. It is a conscious, selfless action towards someone. Your thinking shouldn’t be “What is that person doing for me so I will love them?” – your thinking should be “How am I loving that person?”

Most importantly is our walk with God. Imagine a bicycle wheel. The hub represents God, and each of us is on a different spoke. The closer we get to God, the closer we get to each other. When we make God our hub, our pillar of strength, our foundation of love – marriage will last. We make mistakes and fail each other, but God never fails. This is security. This is love.

FINALLY SOME MATURITY

2010-05-28T13:02:00.000-07:00

Hebrews 6:1 “Therefore let us leave the elementary teachings about Christ and go on to maturity, not laying again the foundation of repentance from acts that lead to death, and of faith in God,”

Definitely we need to be striving for spiritual maturity in our walk with God, having a solid foundation on the basic doctrines and with sound confidence in His strength and guidance... but this all requires discipline and consistent dedication. It’s interesting how my devotional life will parallel my housecleaning tasks – the most basic chores of life - can very well expose one’s internal struggles.

Growing up, one of my daily chores was to wash the dishes. This expectation was very clear and up front in my mind, but after every supper, without fail, Mom would exclaim, “Well, I’m going to go do the books now, Tanis, you can do the dishes!” Grr! I knew that, and I certainly did not want to be TOLD to do that. It didn’t matter how sing-songy she made her voice, I hated that so much. This just made the chore even more detestable.

So in married life, it was ironic that when my husband and I split up the housework, the dishes fell to me. Even more ironic, after one of our first suppers as a couple, Len exclaimed, “Well, I’m going to hit the books now, you can do the dishes.” At first I did not know why I was so hurt and furious at him, but within hours the memories flooded back. After my tearful story and explanative request, he gained some understanding toward my aversion and compliantly abstained from making this well-worn statement.

Eventually, my freedom as the one in charge of the household allowed me the flexibility to rebel. For at least 22 years, I would let the dishes pile up as high as they could until I either needed something or I ran out of counter space. My husband bared it patiently, so I’m not sure what finally compelled me to eventually “grow up.” Perhaps the logic of, “why not!” and the spurring new cliché “Just do it!” And the realization that it actually felt good - coupled with the benefit of being organized...

So it would appear, no matter how tedious and seemingly insignificant, the basic chores of life are necessary to a healthy and happy life.

RECOVERING HORDE-A-HOLIC

2010-04-09T09:57:00.000-07:00

Matthew 6:19-21 “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys, and where thieves do not break in or steal; for where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”

It is interesting how Easter, with its element of evoking people to purge, coincides with spring-cleaning. I could very well introduce myself as a recovering horde-a-holic. This has been something I have struggled with all my life. Not ever wanting to be buried alive, I have always fought to “stay on top of it.”

There are usually a few signals that tell me when it is time to do some maintenance. When I was a child, it was my mother saying, “Tanis, you really need to clean up your room.” Now it is my husband saying, “Tanis, what is all this?” Or it is when I houseclean and I start getting irritated with the amounts of items I must move and dust. The state of the physical room is usually indicative of the state of my brain. It is either swimming with ideas, or eventually, it is feeling very overwhelmed. I also find that if I keep a tidy house, my brain feels much more organized.

In the past, I learned how to let go of sentimental stuff, as well as to not collect exorbitant amounts of stuff in the first place. These lessons were due to making many moves, and living on some very tight budgets. But I still wrestle with letting go of knowledge... and things to do with knowledge. Now, this might all sound very noble, but I must ask myself this question: is all the knowledge that I have gathered over the years useful? Not all of it is, yet why can’t I bear to toss it or give it away? Do I perhaps think this will reflect the amount of knowledge that I contain in my brain? Or that I am losing bits of my mind?

With the advent of the Internet, it is easy enough to google masses of information. But I still feel the urge to collect and save what I want. So I now “horde” information on my computer - like typing out all my college notes into a file of documents (this project is still ongoing). If I can’t get rid of something because maybe someday I will want to show someone that I actually had this unique piece – I take a picture, file that, then give the item away. I just need to make sure I have lots of computer memory. It beats buying another house in which to store all these papers, books and things.

Or am I cheating? Have I really let go? I still have stacks of bits of papers and books to go through to enter into the computers. Am I disciplined enough to do this? Will I miss something if I don’t? Is it really that vital? A lot of it isn’t. At least I have a goal, and a system, and at least I am trying to work on it, but I still need to assess wisely and then, “just do it.”

DRIVING MYSELF TO INSANITY

2010-03-01T08:55:00.000-08:00

1 Peter 2: 19-20 “For this finds favor, if for the sake of conscience toward God a person bears up under sorrows when suffering unjustly. For what credit is there if, when you sin and are harshly treated, you endure it with patience? But if when you do what is right and suffer for it you patiently endure it, this finds favor with God.”

Aside from my dad, who is the epitome of “patience”, I always considered myself a fairly patient person. It usually takes quite a lot for me to get riled up... except, when I am driving. Behind the wheel, I become a different person. I can so easily become that road-rage fiend. Knowing this tendency, I started taking the back roads whenever possible and giving myself lots of travel-time. Avoiding the “race” is removing myself from the temptation to “compete” and is far more relaxing. Still, there are many opportunities to cross paths with “stupid drivers.” My immediate suspicion is that they are either on drugs or on their cell phones, and from there I continue to seethe and boil beneath the skin – and commentate – of course.

So just the other day I asked myself, “How is this helping?” “What is the point?” These other drivers are not out to “get me,” they are merely trying to make their way from point A to B. At the same time, they also are struggling through their own issues and problems, with other things on their minds, feeling lost because their GPS isn’t working, feeling tired and irritated, et cetera. (Et cetera including things like addictions to drugs and cell phones, and being “stupid-drivers”...) BUT, and THEREFORE, I am not a victim in this – THIS is merely the circumstance. My impatience is only hurting myself, and annoying any passengers I may have with me. AND if my anger would ever reach a boiling point where I would not be thinking clearly, this could cause an accident – which could hurt a lot of other people. Sobering thought!

The virtue of patience is not something one necessarily inherits. I’m sure for some people it may come more naturally than others depending on their personalities, but it is certainly something to work at. Patience requires a strength, not only to rein back the anger, but to be forgiving and considerate of others so you don’t even reach that point.

OBSESSIVE-COMPULSION MUCH?

2010-02-01T09:07:00.000-08:00

Philippians 4:8 “Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.

I have done the weirdest things under the obsession-compulsion-umbrella. Like when I was fifteen years old, after retiring for the day, I would not let myself go to sleep until I had won seven different solitaire games. There were many nights I would only get an hour or two of sleep. A few times, I actually won them all within 30 minutes and I’d say to myself, “Well, that was way too easy, and unfulfilling, I need to do this all over again.”

These days, if I’m not careful, I will be sucked into certain computer games. Four hours will seem like five minutes. So I will either give myself a time limit (if I can hold to that), or avoid playing - and best yet – don’t even try it out – even if everyone is saying, “This is the best game ever.”

It probably begins as a way to escape, but then it becomes the trap. After finding the coping method that works, I will eventually gain control over that area of my life, so I can continue feeling and acting like a normal person. Naturally, most of the OCD vortexes have been complete time wasters – time which I will never get back. I can only think of a few that have had any benefits. Like developing a spreadsheet to learn four different languages at once. (Ah, I’m still working on that one. It’s one of my life-projects. I guess that one is just too beneficial.)

These OCD tendencies probably began in grade seven with the messy-school-note-syndrome. Instead of “studying”, I would rewrite. It served as a great review, especially for the first page or so, because I’d start over, and over, and over... No matter how hard I tried, I could not write neatly. And as my hand got tired, the handwriting would become messier much sooner each time, like – the first sentence. Oops, start over!

By the time I got to college, I had developed my own shorthand, and developed the talent of taking notes in my sleep – these I would rewrite later in my “neater” shorthand while I could still remember what we had just learned. Even my “neat” notes were only legible to myself, which actually served me well.

Kids who skipped class would ask to borrow notes – which you would never ever see ever again. When you’d ask for them back and they’d only hand you some kind of lie – this would develop into a fight and they’d hate you forever. And if you’d say “no” – they’d hate you forever. It’s no-win-situation. So when they’d make their way over to me, I could show them my notes and say, “Sure, but you probably can’t read this.” LOL! They’d just grunt and move on. Of course if laptops would have existed back then, this may have changed a lot of things. Although, chances are I might have dropped it as I attempted to type notes in my sleep!

SAVING THE BEST FOR LAST

2010-01-23T09:29:00.000-08:00

2 Chronicles 15:7 "But you, be strong and do not lose courage, for there is reward for your work.”

Hearing these words as a child: “Work first, play later,” I very quickly learned to appreciate them. And they have served me well, as this is a great motivator: “Do all your housework first, Tanis, and THEN you can play your stupid computer games.” And this is what I tell myself now as an adult - but if it works, why not? I get my housework done and out of the way, so I can enjoy myself, free of guilt.

Probably the first area that I incorporated this philosophy was with food. In those earlier years, I absolutely hated peas. Maybe it was because back then they came from a can and Mom would overcook them, I don’t know. Nonetheless, I found myself alone a few times, still sitting at the table hours after supper was done, and gagging at each tiny bite. But if I didn’t finish my peas, I would not get any dessert. I love dessert. I very quickly figured out that Mom was unrelenting on this rule, so why not just eat the peas very first thing. Then the more pleasurable foods would override anything that tasted bad.

Even though I love peas now, not only do I still do this, but I will taste-test a bit of each item on my plate to determine the order of indulgence. As well, I will analyze something like a pork chop to find the pieces that will have the very-best-probable-lingering-taste-factor, and push those to the side for later. So, for example: I will eat the peas first, sweet potatoes next, pork chop last, and the best pork chop pieces the very last. Only once did my husband make the mistake of assuming that I was NOT going to eat those.

Oh, and eating sandwiches, of course I hated the crust. And naturally, Mom insisted we eat that as well, as Dad would exclaim to us kids, “But that’s the best part!” Putting my reward system to work, I would eat the crusted-circumference first, and then enjoy the center. Once I moved out of the house, and was my own boss, I decided I didn’t have to eat the crust at all. As I get older, I have matured... I now try to disguise my quirk. I will eat the crust, but I will alternate: some crust, some center, some crust – but always – save the best for last.

QUEEN OF LIST-MAKING

2010-01-16T09:01:00.000-08:00

Proverbs 7:4 "Say to wisdom, 'You are my sister,' and call understanding your intimate friend."

Lists are my favorite and very necessary pals... They have saved me from so many over-sight issues, faux pas, and brain-wracking efforts. And still, I get myself into trouble. I tried making bread in the fool-proof breadmaker and messed up twice in a row. Back in High School, I was ALWAYS redoing my science experiments. They never once worked. And I should have failed Home Ec. I realized that I needed to check each list item more than Santa. At the very least, 3 times.

But without a list, I would be extra-doomed. I can so easily become distracted. If there isn’t something to distract me, I make something up. Or, my brain will take off all on its own, and I completely “go away.” When I “come back”, I KNOW I was thinking, but I have no idea about what.

To cope, I find myself hyper-thinking – going into the zone – deep, deep into the heart of the issue. This is when I have to start making my notes and lists. I have made lists for just about everything. I have lists for groupings of lists. I should really have a master list, but I figure, “Eh, I’ve made it pretty obvious, OR some things will just be a surprise when I stumble onto them later.”

Some of the lists are just crazy! Like logging all the movies I’ve ever seen (which is currently well over 3,000). And now that I’ve tracked these for this long, it is a compulsion that I cannot give up. I got rid of my binder at around the one thousand mark and entered all the recorded data into a spreadsheet. I am so thankful for the computer. I can effectively file all lists without any paper-clutter. Still, when my husband comes across a piece of paper with odd scribbling, he leaves it alone. He knows full well that it is probably something important – something that I have yet to add to my computer-list-collection.

I must say, some of my list ideas are pretty awesome. Some are extremely quirky. Below, I’m going to add some of them to the comment boxes. I look forward to seeing some of your ideas, not that I need to be encouraged.

WHAT IS NORMAL?

2010-01-08T11:18:00.000-08:00

Proverbs 1:5-6 “A wise man will hear and increase in learning, And a man of understanding will acquire wise counsel, To understand a proverb and a figure, The words of the wise and their riddles.”

I couldn’t just have normal problems or interests – people might just start to take me seriously!

But seriously, being painfully shy, I had been considered either aloof or mysterious by people who didn’t really know me. Naturally I didn’t know too many people because I was too shy. Tired of being misunderstood and mislabeled, it was during my third year of university that I decided I was just NOT going to be shy anymore. This unleashed a monster that I am still trying to figure out.

My biggest pet quIRK through it all is feeling like I’m still misunderstood, even though I am now very open and wear my heart on my sleeve. Of course, this presents a problem in itself. The possibility is always there to either:
a) overwhelm people
b) annoy people
c) offend people
d) scare people away
e) a varied selection of all the above

Part of this quIRK is thinking that “to NOT be shy” I HAVE to speak. And when I speak, I should be entertaining, especially if the other person doesn’t hold up their end of the conversation. It’s like, “Okay, if you don’t talk – I will – I’m not shy! - BLAAAAH!” SOME people get me and appreciate me for this, but this does not seem to be the norm. So to avoid a) through e), I do TRY to ask questions. Maybe I’m asking the wrong questions?

Does anybody else (out there) struggle with holding normal conversations? What do normal people talk about? What are some good conversation-starter-questions with normal people?

NEW DAY'S RESOLUTION

2010-01-01T18:51:00.000-08:00

Romans 14:5 “One person regards one day above another, another regards every day alike. Each person must be fully convinced in his own mind.”

I find it amusing that I decided to begin a blog today, of all days. Finding the act of making New Year’s resolutions pointless, I LOVE the fact that every day can be a new beginning. Where would I be without that? Because pretty much everyday I ask myself, “Why did I do (or say) that?” “What is my problem?” “How do I keep doing the same things over and over again?” Of course, there are those days where I surprise myself and come up with totally new issues to obsess about, dwell on, and over-analyze, which induce compulsions to seek out solutions or coping methods. I know doing SOME of that is a good thing. So the dichotomy arises: to self-assess or stop being self-centered? Just maybe the last part of that question is the answer to the first part.